Blog Post #1,459,834 on Tiger Woods

I have mixed feelings about the whole Tiger Woods debacle. On one hand, Woods seems like an entitled, arrogant jerkface who just likes to slut it up, and he got caught. But this public act of contrition (what crime did he commit again?) is over the top, not to mention disingenuous. It was obviously done to save face with his sponsors so he could keep making all that money. And why are we surprised at his infidelity? I guess it’s because although lots of sports (football, basketball, baseball, soccer) stars are considered sex machines because they epitomize physical prowess, golfers are about as sexy as, well, golf.

Tiger's Apology

On the other hand, I have sympathy for anyone; male, female, gay, straight, famous or ordinary who is caught cheating and has to suffer public and private humiliation. I don’t think cheating automatically makes you a bad person (unless you did it to hurt someone). When Bill Clinton was facing impeachment, I thought it was ridiculous. So he had a fling, suddenly he’s not capable of leading the free world? I think I have sympathy because these cheaters are caught in the tyranny of monogamy, aka The Only Relationship Model™. But I think some people are ready to rethink the old model. I think the fact that any time a public figure cheats it becomes a scandal is because underneath all the pearl-clutching people are deeply ambivalent about monogamy. It is unrealistic to ask one person to meet another person’s entire romantic and sexual needs for the rest of his/her life. If sexuality is fluid, then what you like and need at 25 might not be the same at 35, or even 10 minutes ago.

For fun over the summer (I am a nerd, after all) I read a few books on monogamy and love; The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, Against Love: A Polemic by Laura Kipnis, and Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block (not Jenny from THE Block). What these writers (all women, interesting) argue is that the romantic/libidinal economy is based on our actual economy, which is one of scarcity.* Scarcity means we think there is only a limited amount of love, and lovers, to go around, and we can’t share with anyone else, because the beloved is our property (but if you think like that, your PlusOne is not a beloved, s/he is an object). This is why cheating and general sluttery is frowned upon. Yeah, there’s the moral aspect, but if you look closer you’ll find the scarcity model wrapped in the rhetoric of ethics and religion: I invested money, emotional energy, and Brazilian waxes in this relationship, why should someone else enjoy my investment? In a different world, we would not vilify cheaters, and monogamy would be one of many legitimate relationship options. But also in this different world, a man wouldn’t get piles of money for hitting a ball with a metal stick, and no one would have to apologize to the world for having sex with someone other than their spouse.

*If you wanna go back even further, read French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss’ famous essay “The Principles of Kinship” in which he argues that women exist to be exchanged among men. This is the foundation of culture: Women are the gift men give to each other. Think about it: What’s the best way to get in with the next tribe over? Marry one of their women.